I relapsed this weekend in a major way. All my anxiety and depression came back, not quite as bad because I expected that it might. I knew it wasn’t totally gone.
And it feels awful.
There were a lot of triggers. I still can’t really pinpoint just one, because there really wasn’t. But I’m a problem solver and I want to solve it. When Aaron came over last night it didn’t bring the comfort I hoped it would. I tried to fall asleep next to him but I couldn’t. I went and laid on the couch and I felt this burning, aching sensation in my chest. I admitted it to myself, what if I have fallen out of love with Aaron? We spent almost a full summer apart. No alone time together. He didn’t call. When I visited him in California I struggled with helping with his daughter and he made dumb jokes that pushed all the wrong buttons. When we went on vacation he lost his temper with me because I was accidentally being an asshole. Then he went to London for work and left me behind. I’m disconnected. And I am the connected one. He’s the logical, rational, stable support system and I’m the one with the huge feelings and big love. He loves me, but it’s in a quiet way. And right now I need to be loved bigly, HUGELY.
I don’t think about the future usually. It’s just not helpful. Right now I’m doing my best to focus on one single moment at a time and failing miserably. But for a long time I assumed any problems Aaron and I had we’d simply resolve. I love loving Aaron and I wasn’t planning to stop. He became an abstract part of my future, something I could count on. And last night I allowed myself to fully imagine that that might not be the case. Before we fell asleep I tried to talk to him, ask him what he felt for me, what he hoped for our relationship, etc. And it overwhelmed him. He asked, “why do we have to talk about the relationship? Can’t we just be?”
At that time I felt so let down, so deflated. But then I realized he was right. I can rarely let anything be. I need that momentum that conflict creates to feel motivated. I need problems to solve. Right now I don’t know which problems to solve and I feel like I’m simultaneously drowning and drifting away. Like I’m not an active participant in my own life. I can’t bring myself to be excited about the plans I had in place before. Training for a triathlon for next summer, getting into the best shape of my life, really taking control of my health and wellness to improve my quality of life, reading new books, watching new things, creating new art, learning more about mixology, exploring Columbus with Aaron, planning new trips…all of that feels sort of scary and pointless at the same time. All of those things sort of hurdle me towards the future and I don’t feel comfortable with the future. But I also hate feeling like I’m stagnant and wasting time not being me.
This morning Aaron pulled me into his arms in bed and I told him I was afraid that maybe I’d fallen a little out of love with him this summer. And that I needed some time to rebuild our connection, because I still loved him. He let me lay there and rubbed my back and said he was just trying to be nice. And he’s being SO nice. If he said something like that to me I’d probably want to jump out the window. But I guess that’s the perk of dating a semi-disengaged person. I’m really not sure, I’m not sure what’s going to happen. But my mom told me that being married is falling in and out of love with the same person over and over, but you stick out the parts when you’re out of love because you still love them. I’m not married to Aaron but I treat our relationship with the commitment as if I were.
Also I don’t feel like me right now, I don’t feel like any of my relationships feel right but you don’t tell your parents or your siblings that you fell out of love with them and want to see other relatives. You can realize whatever you’re feeling is separate from them. Or at least not going to effect your relationships long term. Unless you hate your family. I like mine.
So I don’t know what’s going to happen but I’m going to try and separate my depression from reality. It’s not rational, it’s not me. I need to figure out how to resolve it independently of what’s going on in my relationship. It’s always important to be able to stand on your own, because sometimes things do end. And frankly I’m used to being able to manage my own happiness, it doesn’t feel great to need. But I’m so grateful that everyone is rising to the occasion and taking care of me. It’s time to figure out how to take care of myself again however.
I got a prescription for zoloft. I haven’t started it yet because my relapse coincided with the start of my period and I feel like maybe I should give it a couple days before I try it. However I think I will. Maybe it won’t work, but maybe it will and I’d give anything to feel semi-normal again. To feel passionate and like life has meaning and what I’m doing in mine is significant. I know it’s not, but it’s too distracting to be aware of that all the time. All we can do is live and do things that suck the least and hopefully bring joy to ourselves and others.
So that’s where I’m at right now. I’m trying to blog again because it used to really help. And when I reread a bunch last night I was like “man you are crazy” but it was comforting to read words that came from Heidi Heidi, instead of depressed Heidi.
Life is weird sometimes, real weird.